My first problem as a writer has been composing a compelling opening paragraph. The harder I try, the more contrived it becomes. Occasionally I succeed but, exhausted by the effort, the rest of the story just peters out. Unlike Dodie Smith, who opened her first chapter of I Capture the Castle with the unforgettable line – I write this sitting in the kitchen sink, and went on to complete what became, and has remained, my favourite book.
I have a lot of sympathy for the jobbing journos on local newspapers who week after week have to come up with exciting stories even for a week where nothing much has happened on their patch at all. The magazine the Oldie has regularly printed examples of such non-stories in their column Not Many Dead, and some years ago compiled a short anthology using the same title.
Here are a few of my favourites from the section on local papers, reflecting the sometimes less than giddy pace of life we experience in the provinces. I’ve selected them because, behind the sheer banality of the stories, and the somewhat tedious attention to detail, there is a hint of unexplored depths of human emotion and drama – the starting points for a series of cracking new stories perhaps? Though making something compelling out of the last example would, I feel, be a bit of a challenge for even the most creative writers among us.
A forty-five minute discussion between parish councillors resulted in the decision that each item on the agenda should take ten minutes. BURTON MAIL.
Four Forest Heath councillors mingled with royalty when they attended a garden party at Buckingham Palace. NEWMARKET JOURNAL
A security guard on patrol at a building site in Liversedge last week, returned to his office to find thieves had stolen two packets of peanuts. Police believe that one packet was salted and the other dry-roasted. DEWSBURY PRESS
Glossop Police were called to Manor Park on Friday night. A resident had found an injured duck and also called an RSPCA officer. The duck was taken to Victoria Vets at 9pm but died at 9.30pm, with the Police present. GLOSSOP CHRONICLE
Thirty middle-aged people went to a summer solstice rave in a field by the Thanet Way, near the Roman Galley on Saturday night. A public order official told them to leave by 9am on Sunday, which they did. ISLE OF THANET GAZETTE
An unnamed lady cyclist was not badly hurt when she fell off her bike in Burgess Hill. BRIGHTON ARGUS
[A version of this post first appeared on my blog in 2019]
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