A Strange Dream
Two nights ago I had a strange dream, and it’s still haunting me. I wished it was as peaceful as the above dreamscape image. Instead, it was more something from a horror movie, chilling me to the bone. Literally.
You see, it was more in the line of Dexter, the serial killer series. In it, Dexter deals with a serial killer who drains his victims of blood, then dissects them (see image below). In my dream, I was doing just that. No, I wasn’t a serial killer. I was cutting up my own leg.
I was sitting on the floor with my legs half bent in front of me. My pants were hitched up above my knees, lower legs bared. I was cutting two circles; one just under the knee, one just above the ankle. Then, four vertical lines cut down, cutting my leg into quarters. The cuts were made with a scalpel. It was the pointy variety, not the quarter rounded one. I guess because the blade is longer and I could cut deeper with it. The cuts had to be done perfect. This was the issue that made me go over the scene again and again. Each cut could only be done in one go. I didn’t want to hack at my flesh like an amateur. I also didn’t want the blade to damage my bone as I wanted to keep that (as you do). I had no scanning equipment, so it had to be done by feeling my way. There was no blood, as with the victims in the Dexter series.
I must have woken up at some point and thought about my weird dream before falling asleep again. Because I remember dreaming I had made the cuts and was now extracting the flesh from the bone. This time, however, there was blood. A lot. I couldn’t see where I was cutting, frustrating the hell out of me. I didn’t know why there was blood all of a sudden. Maybe I realized, when I was awake, I couldn’t cut myself without it ? There wasn’t any pain, though. Not now, not before. I can’t remember injecting myself with painkillers. Maybe I was so determined to do it that I didn’t feel it? Maybe because the blade was extremely sharp?
Anyway, as I was cutting away my flesh, I remember thinking I could put the meat up for auction on eBay. For people who wanted to eat human flesh. I wondered how much people would offer for it.
What could it all mean? I haven’t seen a Dexter episode in the last two years. I know my legs are giving me problems, but not my calves (about the only things that don’t). I do remember that in the dream, my vision of having extracted the flesh from my tibia, the bones looked round, like titanium prosthetics. Having a medical background, I know this isn’t true. A cut through the tibia resembles a triangle, not a circle.
Was it a symbolization of me cutting my legs from under me, so I can’t move forward? I know I suffer from mental blocks when I need to make decisions sometimes, afraid I’m making the wrong ones, but I wasn’t feeling this stressed about my covers.
Maybe it was about cutting away the ugly covers of my Suckers trilogy (I’m working on new ones), exposing the ‘bare bones.’ Maybe it’s a message that I need to keep it simple. Who knows…
Dreamlandscape photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash
Waking Up Photo by Armin Lotfi on Unsplash
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